In American Gangster, Frank Lucas (played by Denzel Washington) tells Richie (the cop who brought him down) "I ain't got nothing to do with no Mazzanos. Mazzanos ain't got nothing to do with me."
Richie tells Frank "They got everything to do with you. You know why? Because apart from the fact they hate you personally, they hate what you represent. You represent progress. With you out of the way, everything can return to normal."
Richie was spot on with this observation. Frank had reached lengths of a crime syndicate no other Black person had ever dared to hope for. Now his enemies were awaiting their chance to participate in his descension into financial and social ruin.
We all have labels for people and categories for where they fit into our lives: friends, enemies, family members, acquaintences. There's a perfect little name for all of these people that don’t quite seem to fit when the lines are blurred.
Toxic people are everywhere. You have to deal with them on your job, in your church, and at times, even in your home. Escaping toxic people proves to be futile. Once you get rid of one or two, there's three or four more to take their places.
Who are the Mazzanos in your life?
They don't always come with signs on their foreheads displaying what they try to hide.
"I hate you."
"I'm jealous of you."
"Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to watch you crash and burn."
No. These are the people you have at your Thanksgiving table. The people you buy Christmas presents for. Even the people who wish you a Happy Halloween behind that evil, hateful mask they wear all year round.
Your mental health is your first priority. You can have the best figure on the planet. Your bank account could rival Warren Buffet's. Yet, if your mental stability is hanging on by a thread, none of these things will be beneficial to you.
You will crash and burn at a more accelerated speed than you ever imagined.
My friend Cindy once told me our lives are like bubbles. At any day, that bubble could get popped and we would no longer be here. I found that to be a very profound statement. First you're here, then you're gone.
Fortunately, its not about the pop. Its about what you do with that bubble that matters. Some people allow toxic people to pop their mental bubbles everyday. They come at you in ways you'd never imagine. The truth is, they make themselves easy to spot. Its the nature of the balance between "always" and "never."
Toxic individuals are always negative.
They're always downing themselves and others.
They're always gossiping about others.
They never seek to genuinely uplift or encourage anyone.
They come with psuedo flattery.
They pretend to care about what you're going through in life.
In reality, they truly don't. They will also use the things you love most in an attempt to reel you back in once they sense you've grown weary of their bull****. As The Green Mile's John Coffey once said on the day of his execution, "He killed them with their love. That's how it is everyday, all over the world."
Its true. They'll use your love, your joy, your peace, your patience and humanity against you for as long as you allow. They're parasites. So they feed off of your energy--be it positive or negative--for there is nothing inside of them. No energy. No light. Nothing to offer the world except dysfunction and discord. Sometimes, these are the same people who pretend to love you.
Then there are those who don't mind showing you they'd rather be your enemy. Either way, these people have no place in your life. As parents of children with autism, we already have so many barriers that attack the center of our peace everyday.
Everyday, every choice you make revolves around your child.
"Well, its the weekend! Can I sleep in an extra hour tomorrow or will she get me up at 6am?"
"I need to go to the store. What kind of mood is he in? Will he have a meltdown when we get there?"
"Oh no...we can't go to the store that has McDonald's in front of it or she'll see it and have a fit."
"I'm going to be late for work because she broke the doorknob lock last night."
This actually happened to me. I had to go to Walmart and purchase doorknob covers before I could go to work so she wouldn't run out of the house and get lost. Imagine getting up and getting dressed only to put your child in the car, make a detour to Walmart, return home and ensure everything is safe before you can even clock in.
That's a lot.
Those who do not live your life...who do not dwell in the space of your peace and sanity will never understand how it feels to be you. So of course, they feel they have the space to tell you what to do with your children when in reality, it is NOT their place at all to advise you on how to parent your child.
The audacity.
It must feel Tony the tiger ggggggreeeaaat to be able to wake up in the morning and only have to think of yourself. What is it like, I wonder, to shower and dress and pack your lunch without a single thought to whether or not you have to address a seizure in the middle of the night?
Or how about getting ready for work, only to have to strip down to clean up vomit, launder all of the soiled bed linens, then take another shower and dress again before you leave the house? What a WONDERFUL life that must be. How blessed they are. *side eye* So blessed they have the nerve to tell you how to run your child's life.
God gave us the authority to tread on serpents, not entertain them. Slither on.
Then you go to work and deal with the foolishness of foolish people who have no heightened levels of maturity, intellect, confidence, compassion or clarity. They look at you as think you have it all together. Little do they know. You get up and get it together everyday out of having no choice.
It is a choice to get up everyday and not wallow in your sorrows. It is a choice to paste a smile on your face when you don't feel like it. It is a choice to show respect and say "Yes M'am, No M'am, Yes Sir or No Sir" to those who have done nothing except spit in your face from the moment they laid eyes on you, not based on something you've done to them, yet on something they have HEARD about you. 10 times out of 10? What they've heard are lies.
Your enemies don't know you so they work their hardest to paint your picture in the most distorted strokes and lines. They don't even possess the correct colors to describe you accurately. And people run with it. Let them run with the bulls*** faster than Usain Bolt.
You don't have time to explain yourself to those who do not wish to understand you. Who are they? Let me tell you what they're not.
They're not the focus.
When you're raising children with autism, you don't have time to sit and reflect on the issues of others. You have a responsibility to make sure that daily routine is followed to the letter.
You have to find ways to keep them entertained now that their favorite restaurant is closed or they can't go to the movies due to COVID-19. And oh yes, you have to keep yourself from getting COVID-19. Your priorities are focused on health and safety and providing sanctification within your child's life, first and foremost.
Unfortunately, there are some people you will have to deal with. That is life. Yet, how you deal with them is up to you.
You may either feed them with a very long handled spoon or ignore them completely if they are that egregious to the point you cannot share the same space without wanting to snatch them up and choke the natural s*** out of them. We have laws against violence in this country. We have prisons.
They are not worth your time and precious energy. You cannot give these people the power to upset you. You already have so many struggles and issues to address.
You make more doctor's appointments than most parents. You deal with more illnesses than parents of healthy children. You don't get to take long bubble baths or go on extended vacations or walk on a beach with a man with flat abs and perfect thighs. Who will watch your child while you're in the tub?
Let's not forget they're intelligent little human beings. You know they wait for that one moment you're not watching them to get into things. You know it. I know it and they know it. They have PLANS. lol
There are no sick days for us. If we're sick, guess what? We still have to get up out of our beds and take care of that child. No one brings us soup or cold medicine.
Now that we are in a pandemic, it is more imperative than ever to cut off anyone and anything that disrupts your peace.
You can't afford to engage with people who don't understand you---who are incapable of comprehending your essence. And who cares if they don't like you? 10 times out of 10, they don't like themselves.
They can't stand to be in own presence so why think they'd want to be in yours? Ask yourselves, are your enemies, frenemies, etc. people you REALLY want to have in your life? Really?
If you've ever created a garden...you know tilling the soil is the most important step. You have to prepare the soil to hold all of the things you want to care for, nuture and bring to fruition. Anything in that soil that will impede this process has to go: glass that cuts, rocks that block, weeds that choke--all have to go.
How can the seeds of Life you plant grow into trees of Destiny if someone continuously supplies you with gasoline (hoping your dreams will burn to the ground) instead of water?
Gasoline doesn't grow any trees.
Continue entertaining these people and nothing beautiful will grow. Your mind is that garden. Anything that prevents you from growing into what you are destined to be? Must leave.
Ignorance cannot be reasoned with. Ignorance does not believe in compromise. In the minds of dysfunctional people, you have it all together.
You're doing things they've thought of, yet never followed though on and in their convoluted minds, that's your fault. Its your fault they are not where they want to be in life. No...that's a lie straight from the Devil.
Its time to put down their bricks.
If they want to build a city of misery, be a lady or a gentleman and leave their bricks at their feet. Have you ever noticed its always the ones who seemingly (pay attention to seemingly) have more than you?
They have the material possessions. The strong *cough* marriage. The looks, oh they're so fine and sexy, yet they're sleeping with other people's husbands and wives. Yet they're the s*** right? Riiiiighhhhtt. They have the nice clothes. They just leased a brand new 2020 vehicle.
What do you have? You have autism. Let me tell you a secret I learned... To them, YOU are the one with so much more. Why? You have peace of mind. You have JOY just for waking up and breathing.
Even on days you don't, they don't know that. Its not their business to know. None of those things they love to boast about are filling the empty spaces they nurse daily and it shows.
I'm not sorry to tell you its time for the Mazzanos to exit stage left AND right. I don't care WHO it is. Your husband, your wife, your siblings, your parents, your friends--whomever.
If they are causing you to feel bad about yourself? They gotta go.
They put you down? They gotta go.
They're trying to use you for your resources? They gotta go?
They're abusing you? They gotta go.
Their jealousy keeps rearing? They don't want what's best for you? They gotta go.
You have been entrusted by God to do a job. Your job is to provide the very best life for your child. To ensure when you are gone, they will be well taken care of. Whether have you have people in your life to help you or not, it is still your sole responsibility. Why? You're the Mom. You're the Daddy.
You don't have time for foolishness in any way, shape, or form.
His Finding Nemo dvd is broke, so you have to buy him another before you have behavior issues. Her period came on last night so you have to get up and give her a shower with a fever and a sore throat and pray you don't make her sick for illnesses trigger seizures. These people out here don't understand that and never will.
We teach others how to treat us. We teach them. As long as we take their disrespect they will give it freely. Teach the Mazzanos in your life you deserve to be treated with respect or nothing at all.
Your life is already HARD. Don't allow others to make it harder. Your plate is FULL. If they aren't trying to lighten the load, they are adding to the weight of your circumstances.
Cut off toxic people.
Cut off the Mazzanos.